It was only the second week of medical posting, online.

But I was already breaking apart 

I started the week with so many doubt of myself

I was scolded for taking too long to answer my Dr's questions during seminar session

That was the moment where I felt the dumbest

Do I suppose to answer it under so much pressure

Or maybe I was exaggerating too much

I felt I was lacking in so many things to be in this field

Is this course really for me?

I don't work well under pressure

I tried to hold back everything and suck it up

cause it was only Monday, at that moment.

I still have a long week ahead

But I was totally wrong.

I was not being kind to my own self.

When I eventually broke down into tears the next day, during midnight

I felt like I was the dumbest in my class or even worse, I might be the dumbest in the whole batch

I felt this crushing pain in my heart

I wanted to put an end to this feeling

In my head, I thought I am too dumb to be alive

I am too weak to be here

I cried for almost 2 hours

Ugh. 

Why I can cry for hours but 

cannot study for hours?

That midnight, everything crashed

My heart

My laptop stopped working after had few crashes prior

"Is this a sign for me to give up on myself?"

Is this going to be a phase 

Which will repeat in the future?

Or is this only me

Who are being so hard on myself?

Will I ever do better than this?